Radio Flyer

I had a dream the other night - it was very strange...

I dreamed that I was frantically trying to get my husband to the hospital.

Scary huh?

Well guess how I was trying to get him to the hospital...

I was pulling him.

In a little red wagon.

A Radio Flyer.  And as you can see it wasn't one of those new fangled, plastic Radio Flyers.  Nope it was old school, steel.

Mind you my husband is 6"2 and weighs over 200lbs.  But that wasn't all...

There were 4 of his friend in the wagon with him.  All his size or bigger.

And these were dream friends - you know the kind that you know in your dream are friends but you've never seen them outside of an Abercrombie & Fitch magazine.  Or I should say Men's Health, because really, I don't know about you but those "men" (and I use that term loosely) in A&F look like jail bait to me.

Jesus, did I just date myself?!

Anyway my husband and his friends (by the way ALL of them including my husband looked like models in Men's Health) were in the wagon.

And they ALL FIT!

And the wagon was a standard size.

Go dream land!

And I was pulling them easily down the sidewalk (because that's where you play with your Radio Flyer, on the sidewalk not the street) with no problem!

And I can tell you, even when I was in my best shape, there is no way I could pull 5 full grown men over 200lbs.

Down a sidewalk.

In a little red wagon.

While looking for a hospital.

And I was irritated because they were laughing it up while I was pulling them.

Luckily I woke up.

And smacked my husband for being a dream ass.

Not really...

Well maybe a little smack.

He liked it.

Really.

I am on a drug and it's called....JUDITH

Well I figure if Charlie can be high on himself I can too.

http://www.jungleapocalypse.com/headline/charlie-sheen-arrested-jailed-in-aspen/

Boy does he look like he's on top of his game or what?

The dumb and famous aren't the only ones who can be idiots.

I can be one too!

I'm going to go to work tomorrow and DEMAND my  salary be tripled.

NO!

Quadrupled!

Aah Hell, they need to pay me ONE MILLION DOLLARS (said in the Dr. Evil accent!).

And guess what?!

I too have "one speed, one gear".

And I "dare you to keep up with me"

NO ONE CAN GO AS SLLLOOOOWWW... AASSS... IIII... CCCAAANNNN... GGGOOOO...!

There is no way you can creep along at my speed!

Ha, Ha, Ha!

And I tell ya, people need to hear MY side of the story!

LISTEN TO ME!!!!

And here's another thing I have in common with Charlie...

I'm TIRED of pretending that I'm not special.

PEONS!  BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!

I read the directions before I go to a party, so you better watch out!

You can see more of his comments here http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20469565,00.html

But my heart and brain are the same as everyone else's - if Charlie's is different HE better watch out!

The Men in Black will come and collect his ass.

Then where will he be?!

I'll tell you where he'll be...

Where he belongs...

In a mental institute.

In a room, with padded walls.

I AM JUDITH AND YOU WILL BOW DOWN TO MY AUTHORITY!

oops...I was channeling Cartman there instead of Charlie.

http://celtic.theoffside.com/celtic/celtic-3-rangers-2-eric-cartman-analysis.html

he he he!

I think Charlie has had a little too much scotch - and I never thought I'd say that!

Get that man some coffee, aka the Blissful Beverage!

Gel Manicure

I got a Gel Manicure yesterday.

Usually manicures don't last more than 2 days on me so I just get my nails buffed.

The Gel is suppose to last longer, but after reading this:

http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/07/21/the-truth-about-gel-manicures-plus-shellac-a-new-safer-op/

I think my next one will be the Shellac manicure.

I was going to go with the Shellac anyway because it's suppose to be shinier.

To be quite frank after reading that little article I a little scared that I got a Gel Manicure.

But I guess one won't kill me!

Maybe a Book?

I'm thinking about writing a book.

I've had this idea swirling around in my head for months now.

It won't let me go.

So maybe I'll get it out of my head if I write about it.

It's the type of book I'd like to read but can't seem to get my hands on.

An erotic novel.

But one that concentrates on the story, some action, some adventure, set in the future, in space.

Don't ask me why space - because Lord knows the only way you'd get me up there is if the Earth was getting ready to implode.

I really, really, really do not like heights.

And I am NOT a fan of flying.

I still do it, because I'm not one to let my fears keep me from doing something I want.

And I have a friend who explains how the plane can stay up in the air really well.

Which is good since he teaches combat flying.

In the Army.

To pilots.

Anyway - getting an explanation on how it stays up helps me stay sane in the plane - but being up there, it still freaks me out.

And I'm just telling you that flying into outer space - I don't think there is enough explaining or Xanax in the world to make that bearable.

Only if the world were ending - then I'd have no choice.  Die for sure on Earth in a big ball of fire (because of course if the Earth is ending it will be in a big ball of fire - in my version anyway) or possibly die in a big ball of fire in space.

At least in space you have a chance.  And I guess one good thing is you'd be weightless.

I wonder if that means you can eat anything you want.

Because if you're weightless how can you gain weight?  Of course if you're in space, and the world has ended, you really aren't going to be able to buy an unlimited supply of Ho Ho's are you.

So I'm thinking it's a mute point.

O.K. back to the book...

I thought I'd try to write the book rattling around in my brain so at least I would have something that was exactly what I wanted to read.

But as to whether or not I'll actually finish it, that is a mystery.

I guess we'll see...

ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

I can't believe that I did this!

I WASHED MY FRICKEN SHOE WITH MY WHITES!!!!

My comfortable black pumps.

I washed one.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a comfortable 4 inch pump?!

IT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT!

And I washed one.

Not only did I wash it...but I washed it with a load of WHITES!

So I have a new, cute, white tank top that now has back marks all over it.

So how in the hell do I get those out?

And how in the world did I wash a pump?

It boggles the mind.

Rock Climbing

Oh I am so getting out of my comfort zone.

I went out with friends Monday night, Tuesday night, and Wednesday night.

And tonight?

Tonight I went to a rock climbing gym.

http://www.texasrockgym.com/

I climbed up a rock wall.

Really. Me.

Up. A. Wall.

Of course, least I forget there is something even more amazing going on here.

Me.  Out on a school night.

FOUR TIMES IN ONE WEEK?!

Geez - can you believe it?!

I think I'm getting younger and more adventurous.

Or it could be I'm finally recovering from living overseas for so long.

Anyway.

The wall.

It was quite interesting - I learned how to climb, how to belay, and how to get down off the wall.

Which, by the way, is the most important thing to know.

I went with the group Bayou City Outdoors:  http://www.bayoucityoutdoors.com/

I think there were only four people there from the group and the person I was matched with had never tried rock climbing either.

So there we were, with a little girl about half our age telling us how to use the equipment, while a group of kids (yes kids they ranged in age from about 10 - 16 years old) were climbing like monkeys all around us.

Little bastards.

It was like when I went skiing and my "friends" showed me one of the runs that they said was my level (beginner) and it was actually a black diamond.

Asses.

They thought it was funny to see me fall and slide down the mountain on my back because it was so steep I couldn't stop.

Then when I finally was able to stop myself this little kid - about 7 or so - skied up to me with my poles and one of my skis.

Like it was nothing.

"Here you go m'am" he said.

Little shit.

Don't get me wrong I appreciated the fact that he collected everything for me so I wouldn't have to...but really?!

Anyway, back to the rock climbing...

When I was up there on the wall I had an epiphany.

Oh, wait.

I had an EPIPHANY.

I realized that it is really no fun to do something like that with people you don't know.

I mean, how do you make fun of yourself, hanging in the air, with someone you don't know.

How do you make fun of the person you don't know without them getting offended and huffy?

Well, you don't.

Not unless you are a complete ass.

Which I am not (really I'm not).

So I left early.

But I'll go back...I'm just going to drag one of my friends with me...

With a camera.

Because really...I need photo documentation when I do something like climb a rock wall.

My Little Pony

She was fixed yesterday and we picked her up today.

And she STANK!

Yes I said it, SHE STANK!

I don't know what the hell they did to her at the vet but she seriously stinks.

I wiped her down with a wash cloth and she smells better - but I'm scared to give her a proper bath because of her incision.

So when I take her to Doggie Day Care tomorrow I'll let them bathe her.  After all they are vets and should be familiar with giving a dog who just has surgery a bath.

I'm going to give Brittmore a call tomorrow to find out what the hell they did.

BLAH!

It's the week of Love

Monday was Valentines Day and my husband's birthday.

Yep, he was robbed.

Not as bad as it would be if he had been born on or near Christmas, but still.

Robbed.

Anyway I have that Michael Buble song in my head you know this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA

Be aware - there is a short commercial in front of the video.

Anyway...

Love, love, love, love!

I love my life in America.

I love my friends - just spent a lovely night out with some old ones.

I love, love, LOVE my husband.

Life is good people.

Really good.

AMERICA!

Sad Tidings

My best friend's father passed away on January 26, 2011.

He was a wonderful man who lived a full life.  His funeral was in Louisiana and it was beautiful.

It's the first religious funeral that I've been to conducted in one of the main stream Christian faiths.  This funeral was much different than the Hindu one I attended about 5 years ago.

Mr Hay was Catholic, as is my best friend, and the service was conducted by the most wonderful Catholic Priest.  He was an elderly gentleman who himself had beaten cancer, but had lost part of his jaw and I think maybe some of his mouth due to the treatment.

As a result he sounded a bit like the Priest on the Princess' Bride.

Listen here...  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sbqv3MwwVd8

It brought a bit of levity to the ceremony which was so moving.  The Priest was really good - he knew Mr. Hay and so he was able to really personalize the service and when he would talk about Mr. Hay he would touch the casket to bring him into the service.

It was really touching.

And moving.

After the service we drove out to the Hay family plot.  Mr Hay had been in the Air Force during the Vietnam war so he was given Military Honors at the grave site.

I cannot tell you how affected I was when the bugler played taps while the two other soldiers folded the flag.

It was inspiring.

And when they gave the flag to Mrs. Hay, it was gut wrenching.

I don't think there was a single person who wasn't moved or crying.  I could hardly contain myself at this point.

There is something about a military person saying the words:

"On behalf of the President of the United States, the Department of the Air Force, and a grateful nation, we offer this flag for the faithful and dedicated service of your loved one."

while handing over the flag that had rested on the casket, it's almost surreal.

Especially during a time of war, knowing that the person being laid to rest had also been to a war.

The whole funeral was an incredibly beautiful send off for a man who touched so many. I heard so many wonderful stories about Mr. Hay that made me laugh. Stories that made me sad that I wasn't able to get to know him as well as I could have.

But I am glad I was able to meet him. And I am so glad that I was able to be there for his send off.